Living with Contamination OCD During a National Pandemic...Say What?

So, what's it like being a girl who suffers from contamination OCD during a national pandemic? Just picture yourself playing the longest game of hide and seek, with no end in sight. I cannot tag myself out, and there isn't a quirky saying that I can muster up to let COVID know I've had enough and I don't want to play anymore. Basically - my world with COVID is combined of good and bad days, and some days my anxiety is so high that I am a bundle of nerves, on edge until I finally pass out. 

You see, I always had a fear of contamination - I just never knew this was an actually thing. BUT COVID has truly multiplied that fear by a million. Previously, my contamination OCD represented itself within the following ways: 

• If someone coughed, sneezed, or was sick near me - I would do my best to avoid it, and be cautious by washing/sanitizing/showering. 
• If someone threw up near me, i'd chug a quick cup of grape juice. 
• If someone prepared something for me, and they wound up being sick - I would continuously check in with people who ate it with me, or I'd subject my poor fiance to taking a bite or two. 
• If I were in a restaurant, I would not be able to eat anything that came out until I washed and sanitized my hands after touching the menu, as do all the people who are sitting with me (don't you dare touch a single chip, or a piece of bread without following the wash/sanitizing ritual...I will throat chop you!) 

The list truly goes on, but those things to me were MANAGEABLE and the obsessive compulsive tendency of following my rituals made me feel good inside, protected in a sense if that makes any sense. But now, nothing makes me feel safe or protected. I feel vulnerable and at risk at every second of my day until I am home and in my safe zone. A day in the life of me with contamination OCD during a national pandemic results in the following compulsive thoughts: 

• If someone coughs or sneezes near me, I have to practice my techniques and talk myself off the ledge because I automatically think I have COVID from a simple cough or sneeze which is 90% of the time a cold or allergies. 
• If I feel the slightest tickle in my throat, a thermometer is next to me at all times to continuously check my temperature to make sure I am not running a fever - as a fever is one of the tell tale signs you have COVID. 
• When I feel off, or tired, or my body aches I smell and taste things to ensure I haven't lost those senses 

My brain is wired to go to worse case scenario, between the OCD and anxiety mixed together I truly never have a fighting chance. I have sadly developed this intense fear of leaving the home - and the fear does not just stem from myself catching something, but it is the fear of potentially being asymptomatic and passing it along to someone and the guilt of that is worse than anything for me. My brain doesn't have the ability to process that everyone you come in contact with on a daily basis is taking the same chances as you are when they leave their homes. 

On a funny note - I recently stocked up on a few things that typically would not be a part of my traditional shopping trips or even a thought in my mind to stock up on: 

• Cold medicine 
• Anti-Diarrheal 
• Non-Perishable goods (you know, incase of a zombie apocalypse and I can't leave my home) 
• Saltines in case we get stomach aches and cannot eat anything. (Emetophobia, I see you creepin') 

I came home from this recent shopping trip and told my fiance I am a survivalist. I think that was in a way to make myself feel better about freaking out about needing particular things within my presence. I'm sure the person next to me, shopping on a Sunday is not thinking about things like this - hell, my own fiance mentioned that it isn't a concern of his. But to me, it was this thought about these items that I desperately needed to have within my home to calm the anxiety, and thoughts that were progressing in my head. As my head seems to always be ready for a zombie apocalypse, the sky is raining meatballs, a bear is going to be chasing us into our driveway, etc. I'm pretty sure if I could make an underground bunker to stay in forever and ever, I'd never come out. 

For me, dealing with OCD and it's subtype - Contamination OCD was a normal day to day thing I was experiencing and I truly had no idea how common it was, and that there were others experiencing what I was experiencing. I decided to do some research on it as a way to be more knowledgable with this blog when sharing my own personal experience but also including the facts and statistics behind my experience. I find it comforting in sharing my experience, that everything I am experiencing is valid and a part of this diagnosis. 

The international OCD foundation released an article titled: "Obsessive Compulsive Contamination Fears" and it includes a few different sub-parts that truly hit the nail on the head for me, as I found myself coloring the page with a highlighter and screaming "yes" "omg" "I do that" "thats me"!  

What are some typical symptoms of O-C Contamination Fears: 

• Becoming sick after coming in contact with: blood, urine, feces, sweat, saliva. 
• Getting an illness or spreading an illness to others. 

What/ How are some of the compulsions expressed: 

• Repetitive hand washing, sanitizing, disinfecting, showering. 
• Throwing away/avoiding items that are "contaminated" 
• Avoiding people, items, places, objects that are viewed as "contaminated" 
• Maintaining a clean work, home, car, etc. environment. 

How does this effect the lives of those who suffer from Contamination OCD:

• Limit social contact with others. 
• Relationship stresses. 
• Losing the freedom to go out 
• Losing the freedom to function normally in public areas 
• Protecting their "safe spaces" 

After truly diving into this article, the best part for me, aside from being able to compare myself to facts about this OCD subtype was the portion of the article that states: "Can Contamination OCD be cured.." The answer is YES, definitely YES. Although there are parts of my OCD that I enjoy and like - there are also parts that hinder my life, and my quality of life. So i'd like to learn how to adapt and change the parts of my OCD that I do not enjoy, and truly use the parts of my OCD that I do like for a greater good. 

In another article that I read, titled "OCD and Contamination" which was also actually written by the same author - I zoned in on a particular part that I actually just recently discussed in a therapy session. It is this idea of "Hyper-Responsibility" which is basically you feel the reverse of being contaminated - you fear that you will be the one to spread the contamination and that is just to much for you to handle mentally and physically. Reading this, and discussing this in therapy the past week resonated with me because I feel that truly is a main cause for my fear of leaving the home - my fear to be the one to get someone sick, or pass this virus that we know so little about to someone else. It is probably why I constantly have a lump in my throat if I have to be around anyone indoors. 

So, I will end this with saying a few of the things that I have found that work for me, which in return probably feed the compulsions but ya gotta start somewhere. 

• WASH YOUR HANDS - you filthy animal! 
• WEAR YOUR MASK - no seriously, don't go around any unknown's without a mask. 
• IF YOU DON'T FEEL GOOD, - stay home. it actually is rather simple. 
• CHECK YOUR TEMP. -  I tend to do this if I am going to be around any of my immediate core people who I tend to see from time to time. (all four of you) LOL. 
• LIMIT WHO YOU GO AROUND -  I know it stinks, but seriously be mindful of those you are "gathering with" and limit it to immediate family only. 

My lasting advise, non OCD wise that I would like to leave you with is to focus on the small things - make them HUGE! 

• Plan an indoor activity with your immediate family. 
• Date Night Idea: Dress up, order take out, set the table with actual plates and silverware bust out of those sweats! 
• Plan a date night. 
• My favorite have been our holiday date nights, where we do things surrounding the upcoming holiday - being that our holidays are going to look a lot different this year, make some time to actually celebrate it and remember what its all about! 
• Make the most out of the simple things that we tend to have taken for granted
• Plan a movie night: get creative, make a ticket stub, "buy" your snacks" 
• Learn how to make something new! 
• Bake a special treat! 
• Celebrate your holiday early, who cares! Put those Christmas trees up, 2020 has robbed us all! 

Until next time. 

xoxo, Victoria